Of Time and Smeg
by SamBentleyUK
Summary: It was an average day on the mining ship Red Dwarf. Well... that is until an un-identified ship starts to attack them. Or at least what Arnold J. Rimmer says is an un-identified ship attacking them. Meanwhile on the TARDIS the Doctor and River are also being attacked by an un-identified ship, or at least they think it was an attack.
1. On Board Red Dwarf

'Oww!' screamed the Cat as he shifted himself down the corridors of the mining ship. 'Oww!' he called again, longer this time. He could hold a note, he was the best singer on Red Dwarf, well, apart from Kryten who can access any singers voice from something they called a CD, which the Cat hadn't heard of. He preffered to access music the normal way, digital downloads went out of fashion in the year 2057 once 'hearing brain scan music' came about. Hearing brain scan music, or HBSM, meant that a humanoid could simply listen to a song, record it, play it into their ear, and memorize it. Don't get him wrong, the Cat_ loved _classical music. It wasn't just the new stuff he loved. He was a very big fan of the classic 'Gangnam Style' mainly because the guy singing was just making funny noises, or at least, what the Cat thought was funny noises. He wasn't exactly the brightest kipper in the can, to say the least!

Dave Lister on the other hand wasn't much like that Cat. Actually to be perfectly honest he was the exact opposite. He liked his rock. Hard rock. And a bit of Justin Bieber, but he never told anyone that. Bieber, who was a large star at the start of the 21st centuary, lost his fame in the year 2020 after he became 'too old' he then later moved from his 'pop' to 'rock' but failed massively. But Dave loved some of his later rock works, especially his re-release of 'Boyfriend'.

'Cat, is there any chance of you _not_ screaming whilst I'm trying to sleep?' Lister complained walking out of his, and the Cat's, sleeping quarters. 'I was fine with it for the first twenty-three years, but now it's getting boring.' He was dressed in pajamas, a one-peiced jumpsuit covered in curry stains and had a horrible mirky yellow colour to it which wasn't the colour it was when Lister bought it, though that was around three-million years ago. It was one of the numerous items in Lister's wardrobe that Kryten was not able to de-stain.

'I'm sorry bud, I can't help it! It's who I am, it's my identity. Take it or leave it!' Dave's feline-like friend replied in a sort-of 'sing-song' way.

'I'm leaving it.' Lister replied walking back through the door, it shutting downward behind him. He grabbed a bowl of the table and the spork beside it (for those that do not know, the spork is a marvellous invention, one of Listers favourites, that was a mix of a fork and a spoon) and climbed into the top bunk of his and the Cat's shared bed. Lister just loved a good ol' bowl of cold, leftover Rogan Josh. He'd started it before he'd gone to sleep, left it on the table and was leaving it for breakfast, but he was up now and hungry. Then BAM!

Next thing Dave knew he was on the floor, spork in hand and cold Rogan Josh for a hat. He wiped the curry from his eyes, removed the bowl from his head and tried to stand up. That's the point he noticed Kryten was standing above him.

'Mr Lister sir, you're finally awake! I was starting to become worried.' the cyborg said waving his arms in the air.

'How long was I out for?' Lister said eyes blinking through curry sauce.

'About one and a half hours sir.'

'Why didn't you wake me? And why didn't you take this bowl off my head?' the human said finally standing now. He walked over to the sink and mirror and started to wash the sauce out of his hair.

'Well, you looked so peaceful sir, and I thought you were trying a new fashion statement!' Lister turned around slowly to give Kryten a look that the cyborg knew only as the 'oh-you-are-a-smeg' look.

'Kryten,' Dave said slowly 'How long have you been standing there?'

'Oh, only about one hour and twenty-three minutes sir.' Kryten smiled and walked out of the room, with that ridiculous walk of his. 'Oh and sir,' he continued popping his head back into the room 'Mr Rimmer believes we are under attack from an un-identified ship.' why did he always say the serious things in such an innocent way? Lister grabbed his cap ad followed Kryten down to the control deck.

'You've got to be smegging kidding me.'


	2. In The TARDIS

'I just don't understand why we can't just sleep in the same bed?' River said walking up the stair to the TARDIS console platform, the Doctor following her.

'Because I don't _do_ sleeping, you know that.' the Time-Lord said skipping up the steps.

'But we're married,' she turned on the step ad faced her husband, pouting 'It's what married people do... you know that' she winked and tapped his nose 'sweetie.' she finished and turned back to step onto the platform and walk up to the console.

'But,' the Doctor said, flicking his finger into the air 'I don't go to bed, I don't even go to sleep! So explain to me why I'd start now?' he pulled his braces up off his shoulders and let go of them, making a ping noise as they hit him. He pondered his way around the other side of the console to flick a small yellow switch.

'Well, there's always a start for everything, dear.' she replied leaning over sideways to be able to see the alien on the other side.

'Not after one-thousand two-hundred years. Nothing is new after that long, dear.' he said mocking her. Flirting was hard for the Doctor. he wasn't exactly great at it. But River loved it either way. They laughed at each other.

The ship started to shake. A worried Doctor started flicking switches and pulling levers rather fast, River joined in.

'What's going on? Why is nothing working?!' River shouted over the sound of the now ringing cloister bell.

The Doctor grabbed the screen and hung on to it almost slipping over 'Aha! Brilliant!' he was laughing at the information on the screening.

'Oh, what is it now?' she said, aggravated.

'It's an un-identified ship! And it's...' he trailed off his face becoming scared and gloomy.

'It's what!?' River clung onto the console but slip backwards and flew into the rails. She groaned in pain and managed to work her way back up off the floor.

'It's attacking. Or trying to attack at least. Or I think. I can never be sure.' the Doctor pulled his sonic screwdriver out of his trouser pocket and scanned the screened. The grin span across his face once again. 'Marvelous, just...'

'Doctor as cute as you are when you're all happy and smiley, but could you stop for a second and just give me a decent answer, please?' the TARDIS stopped and the Doctor skipped around the console to River.

'Well... the un-identified ship was, well, a mining ship. I may have tried to land there but failed and then we all went, wibbly.' he looked embarrassed.

'Yes OK, sure. But how comes we have stopped going all 'wibbly'?' she said stretching her back.

'Because, they've let us on board.' the Doctor grinned and ran to the door and opened it 'This way miss Pond.'

'Now, you know I don't like it when you use my maiden name.' she walked out of the door making the Doctor grin. He garbbed his jacket and flung it on, took the screwdriver out of his trousers and into his jackets inside pockethe turned back to the door to see River with her hands in the air in surrender. Then he saw the other four figures in the room, one holding a rather large weapon.


	3. When a Time-Lord Meets Smegeads

'Ok, I don't think guns and weapons things are needed. Put it down.' the Doctor said calmly, River moving her hands to her hips. The man holding the gun, whose outfit made even the Doctor cringe, hissed at the two travellers.

'Who are you and why did you attack our ship?' said a man behind him, he was wearing a shiny blue suit and the Doctor could see he was a hologram simply from the 'H' that was stuck upon his head.

'I could say the same to you.' River said, cocking her eyebrow as she did so. The man holding the gun smiled then lifted his gun up and pointed it at her. quickly River pulled a gun out of her belt and placed it firmly against his head 'Oh, I don't think so sweetie. You're going to put that big old gun down and then your going to apologise for threatening to shoot me and my husband, okay?' as sweetly as she said it the man was definitely scared, so scared sweat dripped down his fore-head. He dropped the gun, it clanging on the metallic floor.

'I'm sorry, I... I was just...' the man was wailing like a baby.

'Oh, get up you smegpot.' a third man said, he walked out from behind the hologram, eating what looked like a curry.

'What is that smell?' said the Doctor sniffing the air 'Space weevil. Why do I smell space weevils?'

'Oh, that will be mister Lister's curry here.' the third member, a robot, pointed out.

'Err, guys... little off the subject don't you think.' the hologram said 'Why did you attack our ship and who are you?' he demanded.  
River removed the gun from the man in the pink suits head and he stood up and sorted out his hair.

The Doctor held out his hand 'I'm the Doctor, this River and we didn't attack your ship, much like how you didn't attack ours.' after a short pause he removed his hand and placed it into his pocket.

'Well, if you didn't attack us who did?' said the man who was busy eating curry.

'The same person who attacked my ship.'

'Doctor, you said that nobody attacked us.' River questioned him.

'Yes well... I technically said that these guys didn't attack. Come on River, keep up!' he shot her a cheeky grin and then the two turned back to the others. 'Anyway, who are you, wait... is this the mining ship Red Dwarf by any chance?' he said half-excitedly.

'Yes... did you not read the name on the side of the ship?' said the curry eating man

'Oh, this is brilliant!' he jumped up and down the lunged him self at the man embracing him. 'Oh, David Lister! You are brilliant! Look at you!' he stepped back and grabbed the mans cheeks squeezing them playfully 'River, it's him!'

'Who?!' the female said confused.

'Dave Lister? Lister of Smeg? The last human alive?' the Doctor shouted.

'Hi!' Dave said waving to the Doctor's friend.

'Right, okay, that's enough fondling from you, I think!' said Rimmer, the hologram, grabbing the Doctor's arms and moving them away from Listers face only for the mad man to pat the hologram on the back and do Rimmer's special salute.

'Arnold Rimmer! How are you?' he shouted happily, eyes wide.

'I'm fine, thanks?' Arnold said confusedly before the Doctor moved to his side to greet the others.

'Sorry, you must be Kryten.' the Doctor shook the mechanoid's cold hands, then moving on the Cat shaking his hand too 'and this, River, is what happens to cat's after about four-thousand years of evolution! How great is that!' River and the cat smiled to one-another awkwardly.

'Sweetie, I think you're scaring them.' she said to the Doctor. He looked at the others to see their surprised and confused faces.

'Oh, sorry but River, we're on the ship Red Dwarf now, Red Dwarf is cool!'


	4. Fish Soup, It Needs More Custard

'Oh, will you shut up? Just _shut _up!' Lister shouted at Rimmer 'For smegs sake.' he muttered under his breath, rolling his eyes. Rimmer, who had been discussing their new 'friend' and his intentions on their ship, stood up and walked over to the door.

'What? You don't think something's up?' the hologram whined in his usual way 'I mean, for starters did you see how happy he was to meet us this morning?' Rimmer then returned to his chair, and sat back in it uncomfortably wriggling. Dave nodded in agreement. Though Dave had nothing against this 'Doctor' guy, he did think something was a little... odd.

'And then... well 'the Doctor', Dave, sounds a little familiar doesn't it?' Rimmer remarked, cocking his eyebrow.

'What do you mean, 'budski'? Is it an offense?' River said to the Cat, who replied with a confused look.

'I think, and it's just a guess, but I think it's a friendly name, like 'buddy', probably!' the Doctor grinned at his wife, mainly to calm her down, but also to brag a little about his correct deduction.

'Don't get cocky.' she flirted, smiling back at him.

'Mr Doctor sir, you still have not told us your business here!' Kryten said calmly, placing a bowl of soup down in front of the Doctor, who licked his lips in return.

'Like I said, my ship was attack and you let us onboard yours! Which was very kind of you to say the least!' the Doctor picked up a spoon and started to slurp the soup he had been given. 'What flavour is this?'

'Fish sir, do you not like it?' Kryten replied.

'No, its fine... could use a bit more custard though...' he continued to eat, grinning as he did so.

'So, you're not here for a real reason? This is getting very confusing!' the Cat said jumping in irritation.

'Alright, just let him explain from OUR point of view, ok?' River said, nudging the Doctor with her elbow, making him choke on his soup.

'Yes, yes, sorry!' the Doctor stood up leaving the spoon on the table 'We were travelling to Gracetamor, a planet inhabited by a humanoid race called the Gracertor, loving people!' he realised he was going off track, as Rimmer and Lister walked through the door 'Oh, yes, anyway we were attacked and then your ship appeared and you let us onboard and so, I landed my ship here! Is that good enough for you?'

'Ok, but who attacked us?' Rimmer asked 'I mean if it wasn't you...'

'Oh, I haven't got a clue!' the Doctor admitted.

'Give it up 'Doctor' what's going on here?' Lister called at the time traveller.

'I'm not sure what you mean!'

'Well, 'the Doctor' it's not exactly original is it? And the police box? Really? You've gone full-out haven't you?' the hologram chuckled. The Doctor, and River, just stood there confused. 'Oh, come on? You are really trying to tell us that you're the actual Doctor? This has to be a joke!'

'What are you on about? I _am_ the Doctor! _The_ only Doctor!' he started getting a little worried and confused, something the Doctor found hard to do.

'But, the Doctor, he's just a fictional character from an old TV show. How could you be the real Doctor, when he's not even real?' Dave said, staring at the Doctor's confused face.


End file.
